When Love Looks Straight: The Invisible Struggles of Bisexual People in Straight-Presenting Relationships

Hi, I’m Kelsey, a Marriage and Family Therapist, and a bisexual person who’s been in straight- presenting relationships. So yes, I’ve both studied this dynamic and lived it. Let’s be honest, being queer in a world that likes its boxes neat, and tidy is complicated enough. When you add in a partner of a different gender, and suddenly people act like your identity is gone, like it disappeared the minute you met somebody (and spoiler alert- it didn’t) it can leave you feeling pretty isolated. Well, that’s why I’m writing this blog- to shine a light on the invisible struggles that so many bisexual people experience in straight-presenting relationships. Whether you’re living it yourself, loving someone who is, or trying to unlearn some old assumptions that aren’t serving you, this one’s for you.

What’s Happening Beneath the Surface?

In the world’s eyes, a straight-presenting relationship (the one between an identified man and an identified woman) is often assumed to be uncomplicated. It’s assumed to be “safe”. It’s assumed to be “normal”. But for bisexual people in these relationships, this appearance can be both a blessing and a burden. Behind the comfort of experiencing social acceptance, there can also exist- misunderstanding, invisibility, and pain. When a bisexual person enters a differently- gendered relationship, they don’t just magically “become” straight. Their identity doesn’t vanish- but too often that’s exactly what happens in the eyes of others, at times their queer community members and sometimes, even in the eyes of their partner.

Here lies the possibility of biphobia, monosexism, and bisexual erasure.

Biphobia

Biphobia refers to the fear, distrust, or discrimination directed at bisexual individuals. It often shows up in harmful stereotypes, such as the belief that bisexual people are inherently unfaithful or simply "confused." Some people fear that a bisexual partner will inevitably leave them for someone of another gender, reflecting a deep misunderstanding of bisexuality. Many bisexual individuals also face judgment or exclusion not only from heterosexual communities but from within LGBTQ+ spaces as well, leading to a unique experience of “otherness” that can feel particularly isolating.

Monosexism

Monosexism is the belief that people are—or should be—attracted to only one gender, and it creates real harm for those who don’t fit that mold. It can show up as pressure to “pick a side,” or as partners, family, or friends dismissing bisexuality as just a phase. It fuels inaccurate and stigmatizing stereotypes, such as the idea that bisexual people are “greedy” or “promiscuous.” As noted in the Journal of Bisexuality (2020), bisexuality is often viewed as transitional, unstable, or less authentic than monosexual identities, which reinforces erasure and marginalization within both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ communities.

Bisexual Erasure

Bisexual erasure is the cultural, interpersonal, and institutional ignoring or invalidating of bisexual identity. It can show up in everyday interactions—being labeled as straight or gay based solely on your current partner, having your past or potential attractions dismissed, or feeling excluded from both queer and straight spaces. This kind of erasure can leave bisexual individuals feeling invisible, misunderstood, and without a true sense of belonging in either community.

How Do These Dynamics Impact Relationships?

For a bisexual person in a straight-presenting relationship, these experiences can create emotional friction even in otherwise loving partnerships. Here’s how:

Identity Invisibility - You may love your partner deeply yet still feel a part of yourself is unseen or unspoken. If your bisexuality is erased, it can feel like your wholeness is being denied.

Internalized Shame - Years of hearing “it’s just a phase” or “you’re just greedy” can lead to internalized biphobia yourself. Even when these ideas aren’t voiced by a partner, they can live inside a person’s head and affect intimacy, sexual experiences, trust, and self-worth.

Communication Breakdown - Without open, identity affirming dialogue, the bisexual partner may feel reluctant to talk about themselves, leading to distance, resentment, or emotional withdrawal within the relationship.

Mental Health Strain - Studies consistently show bisexual individuals report higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation than their gay or straight peers - often due to erasure and invisibility and not identity itself.

What Can Help?

For Bisexual Individuals

Affirm Your Identity - Your bisexuality is valid no matter who you’re with. It is not defined by your current partner, but by your lived truth. Even when presenting in a “straight” relationship stand firm in your identity (in safe spaces of course) when you meet new people allowing them to know you, wholly.

Seek Supportive Spaces - Find bi-positive communities where your identity is normalized and celebrated, such as support groups or bi-positive queer spaces advertised in your area.

Therapy Can Help - Seek out a space to deconstruct assumptions and internalized beliefs with a queer-affirming therapist who understands the nuances of bi-identity. Seek resourcing that has been vetted in your community for true competency. Therapy can be a space to reclaim that wholeness, to process the challenges you may face, and to build relationships where your identity is seen, heard, and held with care.

For Partners

No Assumptions Please - Be curious and open about your partner’s experience. While I’m very much generalizing here, everybody’s experience is individualized and different. If you’ve never asked questions, here’s a great start… “How is your experience with your identity within our relationship? How/ or has it changed over time? How can I support you and see you most clearly?”

Don’t Minimize - Saying “it doesn’t matter because you’re with me now” can feel erasing, not loving.

Affirm Often - Acknowledge your partner’s full identity- past, present, and future. You love your person “because of” not “in spite of”.

Let This Be Your Reminder

Whether you're bisexual, in a straight-presenting relationship, a supportive partner, or someone simply trying to understand more deeply, I hope this gave you permission to reflect, understand your own experience more clearly, or perhaps create a new conversation.

Bisexuality is not a phase. It’s not a threat. It’s not erased by love, or the relationships that you choose, it’s part of who you are and it’s also part of love.

If you’re in a straight-presenting relationship and feel unseen, know this: you are not alone. Your experiences are real, your identity is real, and you deserve to be loved and cared for, for all of who you are.