The "Four Horsemen” is a metaphor used by Dr. John and Julie Gottman (relationship therapists/ experts) to describe four communication styles that can be particularly damaging to relationships. When we look at why the Gottman’s chose to name these communication styles, it brings us back to biblical times. The four horsemen of the apocalypse originated through the New Testament in which the bible refers to four components of final destruction of the world through Conquest, War, Famine, and Death. Now, while this isn’t a biblical piece- I think the value and the weight of naming these components this way shows how truly damaging the Gottman’s perceive these communication styles. While they are not the signs of destruction of the world or existence, they are signs of the potential destruction of a romantic relationship (which to many people is a very important piece of their world). Now, what are the four horsemen, how did we get there, and how can we find a new course of direction?

1. Criticism 

Criticism is a tricky four horseman, as there are two types of criticism. One is constructive which is aimed at addressing issues and improving the relationship. Constructive criticism can be positive, and lead to personal growth and improvement in happiness and functionality in the relationship (when it is done properly). The second type of criticism is destructive, and what is most defined as harmful to the relationship through comments that typically attack the character of one’s partner. These comments can erode trust, self-esteem and intimacy if frequent or harsh in nature. 

How did we get here? The purpose of criticism is often to provide insight, stimulate discussion, or guide improvement in a relationship. This means you care about your relationship and where it is heading! However, destructive criticism can also carry negative connotations, as it's sometimes associated with harsh or unfair judgments. So, let’s adjust the course!

Alternatives to defensive criticism – 

Using “I” statements can be particularly helpful when expressing feelings towards one’s partner. If you’re unsure how you can do that here’s a helpful script. When you are wishing to express something, you can start with “I feel (emotion word) when (explanation).” Be aware, this careful wording won’t necessarily help if your voice still sounds accusatory. The Gottman’s refer to this as using a soft start up, so use a soft and even tone. In your explanation, gently describe how the other person’s actions affect you in a way it could be heard. Try your best to focus on how the behavior is making you feel versus the person. Separating the person from the conflict is a way to set the stage for the other person to receive.

2. Contempt

Contempt can show up in different ways. It can look like mockery or sarcasm (often disguised as my sense of humor, or “just joking”). Contempt can look like eye-rolling or body language that reflects dismissiveness. Contempt can look more direct like name-calling or insults on a person’s character, or believing and acting as if one person is better than their partner. Contempt is particularly damaging because it can erode the foundation of respect and equality in relationships. 

Why does contempt happen? Contempt in relationships typically occurs due to a build-up of negative feelings and unresolved issues over time. This could be from ongoing conflicts or grievances that are not properly addressed in the moment. It could be from external pressure or outside stressors that are perhaps displaced by our partners. It can also be unfulfilled expectations in the relationship or differences in values and goals. 

Alternatives for contempt- 

The largest alternative for contempt is to build a culture of appreciation for your partner. You found and decided to be with your partner for a reason (probably many reasons), and sometimes that reasoning gets clouded by “life” that heads your way. Remind yourself through empathetic questions to your partner, or reliving some of the positive experiences you’ve shared and qualities your partner has that drew you to them in the start of your relationship about why you chose them. Even finding ways in which those qualities can show up today can allow gratuity and a space for future positive actions. While typically a person thinks they must align with their partner on all their values and goals, the true objective could be to recognize them and find a way to value and respect them in your partner.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness in a romantic relationship refers to a pattern of behavior where one or both partners react to perceived criticism or conflict. This can look like deflecting responsibility, making counterattacks, or refusing to engage constructively. Defensiveness can also take form in minimization or downplaying the importance of the partner’s feelings/concerns. The role could also be reversed acting in a victimization role, portraying oneself as the wronged party to avoid addressing the entire issue.

Why defensiveness? This behavior is often rooted in feelings of insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or a desire to protect oneself from emotional pain. When a couple sees me for therapy and defensiveness is a reaction, they are experiencing in their relationship I typically challenge them to shed some empathy to this potential fear of opening oneself up to conflict. It could be something a person has never done in a healthy way before or seen modeled on to them within their family systems and that is scary to change!

Alternatives to defensiveness- The biggest and most direct way to stop defensiveness is to first- identify and give grace to where this defensiveness comes from. It’s likely your body’s instinct to protect you in the way it knows how. Second, to allow that protection to step aside and allow space for your partner’s perspective. It does not mean that you need to agree upon it, but they are trying to communicate to you for your help to solve what is distressing them and sometimes we must look internally to recognize the role we played in that distress. Address the wrongdoing head on, allowing space for empathy and active listening and potentially offering an apology if that is what they are looking for. 

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is shutting down communication or withdrawing emotionally when faced with difficult conversations. Stonewalling can be refusing to communicate or cooperate, often by remaining silent or physically leaving. It can be demonstrated in smaller ways such as turning away, avoiding eye contact, giving short responses or changing the subject. 

Why do we stonewall? Stonewalling can come from a variety of causes. A couple of these include flooding, or emotional overwhelm. It could also be a genuine attempt to avoid conflict through fear of confrontation. This could stem from previous relationships or learned behavior through childhood.

Alternatives to stonewalling- One of the main resolutions to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing. What does that mean, you ask? I like to look at this as taking a break from the other person in the room to regulate your nervous system so that it can reach a positive resolution. This does not give permission to avoid this conflict all together so maybe set a timer for 15 minutes where you both do something that helps put you in a productive space such as a progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, maybe journaling out your thoughts. Then, revisit this conflict in a way that you are providing reflective and empathetic listening and input towards a solution. 

The most important takeaway I want you to receive from this post is that conflict is inevitable in a romantic relationship. I want to normalize conflict and our reactions to conflict can look very different from our partners based on so many different lived experiences, and that’s okay! The times in which the Four Horseman show up is when we need to ensure that we can productively resolve these conflicts in a way that meets both partners' needs to prevent eroding trust and emotional intimacy. If you’re already experiencing these communication patterns, you deserve a space free of judgment and one to point you in the path of repair. Let’s course correct these negative interactions together!