Intimacy Redefined: What Should Intimacy Look Like?
What even is intimacy and how do we know if we’re doing it right? Intimacy is the conversations, interactions, and other experiences that create a closer bond with someone. Intimacy is a way to enhance relationship satisfaction and overall well-being- including reduced stress and anxiety. With all its amazing benefits and the natural human desire to want this form of connection, you would think we would have figured it out by now right? WRONG! Yes, some intimate relationships can develop and last with minimal friction. That is an amazing yet uncommon experience worth celebrating. We must challenge the idea of stagnate intimacy- you don’t have to accept what you currently have if it doesn’t meet all of your and your partner’s needs. Intimacy CAN change for the better!
The Dimensions of Intimacy
Intimacy needs are connected to our physical, emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual needs. Physical intimacy is probably one of the first forms of intimacy many may be familiar with. This is where the touching, visible closeness, and sexual experiences often come into play. As a bonus, physical intimacy also releases oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone," which can even strengthen emotional bonds.
Emotional intimacy can require significant trust and vulnerability. I admit that the words trust and vulnerability used to make skin crawl. Trust someone with my inner thoughts when there is a risk of rejection or worse? No, thank you. It can be nerve-wrecking to risk putting ourselves out there without knowing the outcome. I will challenge that thought with the idea that maybe we should shift to assessing if that person is capable of providing that safe space to build trust and vulnerability.
Intellectual intimacy can look like collaborative brainstorms and a place to foster further curiosity in learning new perspectives from one another. It can potentially bring up some healthy conflict, but remember all conflict isn’t bad and can produce closer bonds. An example can be the feeling of growing alongside one another rather than one partner dragging the other to achieve things they’re not invested in.
Spiritual intimacy can be reflected in your beliefs and values. Keep in mind that religion and spirituality can be connected, but they do not equate to the same definition. It is also important to note that spiritual needs don’t have to be the same as your partners in order to bond. A tip can be searching for similar preferred outcomes from spiritual activities- i.e. peace, enjoying nature, or building a community. Social intimacy is another way to build community. It focuses on spending time together while also balancing time by oneself and with others.
If we summarize all of these forms of intimacy, the goal is to balance individuality, acceptance of our partner’s individuality, and enjoying the interaction process. Intimacy can change throughout a relationship as partners grow and experience different life stages, making continuous dialogue essential. Another consideration is that different cultures have varying views and practices surrounding intimacy, which can influence how couples connect. Anything can become a barrier to building up this connection- technology, busy schedules, etc. Understanding individual barriers and learning how to challenge them together can relieve some pressure while growing.
There are quite a few different ways to view intimacy and I can imagine it would be a challenge to constantly check the five different dimensions of the bond in your relationships. A tip is to think of the elements of intimacy similar to your love languages. For example, if you require significant quality time and notice you haven’t had enough, you may work with your partner to schedule more time together. That can be how you can actively work on physical, emotional, and social intimacy- no significant life planning required!
Where Do I Go From Here?
It’s important to start by checking on your needs and desires. That way you can feel more confident in expressing desires for improving intimacy. If you’re not sure what to ask yourself, check out our reflection document below!
This is just one way to check in with ourselves to help guide conversations with our partners about where changes are needed. Note if there is anything in the assessment or through your own reflection that stands out. Next steps can vary based on intimacy needs but should be worked on together.
Key Take Aways
Intimacy looks different for everyone—what feels intimate to one couple may not resonate with another. It's important to explore and communicate preferences. Maintaining intimacy takes intentional effort and communication; it's not just a one-time achievement but an ongoing process.
I and other therapists at Aligning Intimacy would love to help you with this ongoing process! We are passionate about facilitating a compassionate and judgment-free environment to answer questions, create a secure space, and partner with you as you create an alignment within yourself and your relationships. We offer individual, couples, group, and family counseling. If you're interested in a fun way to explore different levels of intimacy with your partner, we would love you to join us for our couple’s workshop, Intimate Connections, on November 16th from 12 PM-3 PM! Click here to get tickets.
For additional intimacy needs, keep an eye out for upcoming events and tips by following us @aligningintimacy and joining our email list!