Why Being Sexualized is Interfering with Being Sexual
It can be difficult to distinguish the subtle nuances in common terminology, especially when certain words are frequently used interchangeably. Sometimes, those nuances don’t matter much. But in this case, they do—understanding the distinction between being sexualized and being sexual is critical in developing a healthy relationship with our sexuality, bodies, and sense of self.
When these two concepts are confused, it can impact how we engage in relationships, how we perceive ourselves, and how we experience pleasure, intimacy, and autonomy. In this blog, we’ll dive into what it means to be sexualized versus sexual, how these experiences shape us, and how we can reclaim our sexuality from external influences.
What Does it Mean to Be Sexualized?
As someone who values education and advocates for comprehensive sex education, I always like to start with foundational definitions. To be sexualized means to be reduced to your sexual attributes or objectified for sexual appeal, rather than seen as a whole person with thoughts, feelings, and autonomy.
Sexualization is rarely about the person being sexualized—it’s about external perceptions, projections, and societal conditioning. This can manifest in obvious ways, such as catcalling, hypersexualized media portrayals, or being judged primarily on physical attractiveness. But it also happens in more subtle, insidious ways, particularly when we look at how sexualization begins at a young age.
For example, when girls start developing breasts and curves around puberty—a completely normal and healthy process—suddenly, the messaging around their bodies changes. They’re told to cover up, to wear bras, and that the clothes they wore just months ago are no longer “appropriate.” In many cases, they are blamed for unwanted attention rather than taught that their bodies are simply going through natural changes.
This subtle but powerful shift sends a message: your body is not fully your own. It is something to be managed, policed, or controlled based on how others perceive it. The shame and self-consciousness that can develop in response to this messaging can stay with us for a lifetime, influencing how we view ourselves, our desires, and our sexual agency.
When our introduction to sexuality comes through external sexualization—rather than from a place of personal agency, curiosity, or self-discovery—it can make it difficult to later embrace our sexuality in an authentic and empowered way.
What Does it Mean to Be Sexual?
Now, being sexual is something entirely different. Sexuality is an internal experience—something deeply personal, unique, and complex. It is about your own desires, attractions, orientations, behaviors, and choices, free from the external gaze of others.
However, because many of us have been socialized in environments where sexualization came before sexual autonomy, we often struggle to embrace our sexuality without shame or discomfort. Many of us have internalized messages that our sexual thoughts, desires, and fantasies are "deviant," inappropriate, or something to hide.
But here’s the truth: Being sexual is a natural, essential part of being human. It is not something dirty or shameful. It is as inherent as creativity, curiosity, or the need for connection.
Our sexuality is as unique as our fingerprints—deeply personal, shaped by experiences, yet ultimately ours to define. While sex therapists (like myself) and trusted professionals can help guide people in exploring their sexuality, no one—not a partner, priest, parent, or society—gets to dictate what your sexuality should be.
To be authentically sexual means allowing ourselves to engage with our desires, identities, and sexual experiences without shame, avoidance, or judgment. It’s about reclaiming the power to define what sexuality means for us, rather than having it dictated by external expectations.
This is not an overnight process—it’s a journey. It’s about unlearning harmful messages, rebuilding a relationship with your body, and understanding that your sexual self is yours and yours alone.
How Sexualization Interferes with Sexuality
One of the biggest reasons sexualization interferes with being sexual is that it disconnects us from our own internal intimate experiences.
When we are sexualized, we often learn to view our own sexuality from the outside in, rather than the inside out. Instead of experiencing pleasure, intimacy, and desire as something internally driven, we might focus on how we look, whether we are "performing" correctly, or if we are meeting external expectations.
This can manifest in many ways, such as:
Feeling pressure to look or behave a certain way during intimacy rather than focusing on personal pleasure.
Associating sexuality with judgment, shame, or obligation rather than exploration and enjoyment.
Having difficulty separating self-worth from sexual desirability in relationships.
Struggling to embrace authentic sexual expression due to internalized fear of being judged or objectified.
Sexuality should be about autonomy and choice, while sexualization strips away that control. When we internalize the messages that our bodies exist for others rather than for ourselves, it can be difficult to feel empowered in our own sexual experiences.
Reclaiming Your Sexuality
Unlearning sexualization and reclaiming your sexual agency begins with recognizing where your beliefs about sexuality originated. Were you taught that sex is shameful? Were you made to feel responsible for how others perceived your body? Understanding these influences is the first step toward redefining sexuality on your own terms. Shift your focus from external to internal—rather than thinking about how you look or how others might perceive your sexuality, pay attention to how you feel. What brings you pleasure? What excites you? What makes you feel connected? Your sexual experience should be about you, not performance or external approval. Challenge shame-based thinking by acknowledging that sexual shame is often rooted in years of societal conditioning. Remind yourself that sexuality is normal, healthy, and uniquely yours. Surround yourself with resources and communities that embrace sex-positivity and self-acceptance. Finally, give yourself the freedom to explore your sexuality without judgment, whether through self-reflection, reading, therapy, or open conversations with trusted partners. Sexuality is a journey, not a fixed destination, and embracing it on your own terms is an ongoing process of self-discovery and empowerment.
Final Thoughts
The distinction between being sexualized and being sexual is profound, and yet, the two are often confused. Sexualization is something done to you—something external and often disempowering. Being sexual is something that comes from within—rooted in self-awareness, agency, and authenticity.
When we reclaim our sexuality from the grips of sexualization, we can begin to experience intimacy, pleasure, and connection on our own terms. We can redefine what sexuality means for us—free from shame, external expectations, or judgment.
This journey isn’t always easy, especially when the messages of sexualization have been ingrained for so long. But with awareness, intention, and self-compassion, it is possible to move toward a healthier, more authentic relationship with our own sexual selves.
The therapists at Aligning Intimacy are passionate about facilitating a compassionate and judgment-free environment to answer questions, create a secure space, and partner with you as you create an alignment within yourself and your relationships. We are just an email or phone call away!