Love is Blind — And So Is The Nice Guy Narrative
I have a confession: I’m a fan of the hit reality TV show Love is Blind, where men and women try to find love without ever seeing each other. It’s a bold experiment, testing the idea that love can truly be blind and isn’t just about physical attraction. I love a good reality TV show, even though I recognize that much of it is clearly orchestrated for entertainment purposes. What I often find myself laughing at, though, is the common behavior of certain male contestants, and it’s hard not to feel a sense of secondhand discomfort for the women involved. Yes, there are women on each season who are also beige/red flags. However, one dynamic that’s caught my attention in recent seasons is the "Nice Guy" trope—and let me tell you, it's a doozy.
Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions, let me clarify: I’m not villainizing kindness or saying that being nice is a bad thing. The “Nice Guy” trope, however, refers to a specific type of individual—usually male—who goes out of his way to appear kind, respectful, considerate, and polite, but who grows frustrated and resentful when these traits don't lead to the romantic or social success he expects. He may also wait for someone else to be the “bad guy” in a conflict. In other words, the nice acts are often performed with the expectation of a certain outcome—whether that’s love, admiration, or social acceptance.
Not every person who is a Nice Guy is consciously aware of this misstep. However, it may start to show up more and more as the individual often struggles with the idea that kindness alone should be enough to win the affection of others. This can lead to self-pity, entitlement, and passive-aggressive behavior, among other key characteristics. Nice Guys often believe that others, especially women, seek more “bad boy” or "jerk-like” characters, which leads to resentment. For example, this may come up whenventing their frustrations by expressing resentment over being "friend-zoned”.
How are Nice Guys Created?
The "Nice Guy Trope" is a result of psychological, social, and cultural factors that shape an individual’s beliefs and behaviors. Meaning there isn’t one event that creates this intricate behavior. Listed below are a few factors that you may recognize within this trope.
Societal Influence and Gender Roles
From a young age, boys may be taught to be polite, helpful, and respectful to others, but this may come with the implicit message that these behaviors should be rewarded, especially in romantic contexts. This can create an unhealthy expectation that kindness will automatically lead to success. Societal norms often promote the idea that women are expected to be attracted to kind and considerate men who show it in gentle, perceived socially acceptable ways. This leads some individuals to adopt these traits to fit in or conform to these expectations, even if it doesn’t align with their true selves. If a child receives praise for being "nice" but doesn't see it resulting in the positive outcomes they expect, they may become frustrated or confused about why their efforts aren’t rewarded.
In many cultures, men are expected to be stoic, assertive, and independent. As a result, some men may feel that being "nice" is a way to go against these expectations in an attempt to stand out as different or "better." Some individuals who subscribe to "red pill" ideologies or toxic masculinity may believe that being a "nice guy" is actually a form of weakness. They may feel that their "niceness" is being rejected in favor of men who embody traditionally "alpha" traits, such as dominance or aggression. This can lead to resentment and a distorted view of gender dynamics and relationships.In response, some individuals adopt a “Nice Guy” facade as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from future emotional pain despite the fact that it can hinder genuine, healthy relationships.
Romanticization of Being the "Nice Guy"
The portrayal of the "nice guy" in movies, TV shows, and books often centers around the idea that the nice guy will eventually win the affection of the "right" person. Please reference roughly any 90s to early 2000s romance movie where the nice guy is hurt or feeling bitter by a “bad boy” getting ahead with a love interest by doing less. This can create unrealistic expectations about how relationships should unfold and make individuals feel entitled to romantic success if they fit this mold. By viewing romance as transactional it can often overlook the complexity of human relationships. Some of the complexities can include the need for mutual compatibility, emotional connection, and shared values. This overlook may become disillusioned when their expectations aren't met.
A great example that comes to mind is Ken from the Barbie movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend it—not just for the satire and humor, but for how perfectly it encapsulates this idea. Ken's behavior in the movie is a spot-on portrayal of the Nice Guy trope, and it’s both hilarious to watch as he navigates his misguided attempts to win Barbie’s affection. Without spoiling the ending, Ken was made to be the nice guy trope and still has managed to show change over time.
The Role of Emotional Intelligence
A Nice Guy might struggle to communicate openly about their desires and needs, focusing instead on being nice as a way of managing relationships. Management of relationships can include not fully understanding or respecting boundaries. This can lead to suppressed emotions and passive behavior, which may later result in resentment when their "niceness" is not reciprocated.
Nice Guys with low self-esteem may act excessively nice because they’re seeking validation from others to feel good about themselves. Some "nice guys" are so fearful of rejection that they suppress their true desires or feelings, thinking that being overly accommodating or self-sacrificial will make them more acceptable or desirable. By avoiding the conflict to maintain a pattern of people pleasing as a coping mechanism it can lead to a reluctance to express one’s true desires and boundaries openly.
Addressing Nice Guy Behavior
The Nice Guy trope is more than just an annoying personality quirk; it’s a reflection of the societal expectations placed on men when it comes to relationships. It’s not enough to be kind—you also have to show genuine self-awareness and emotional maturity. Kindness should never be transactional. When it becomes a calculated move to achieve a specific goal, it loses its true value.
While Nice Guy behavior can be frustrating for both the individual and their relationships, it can often be overcome by focusing on developing healthy self-esteem, understanding the importance of mutual respect in relationships, and fostering open communication. It's also important for individuals to recognize that being genuinely kind is valuable, but it should not be used as a tool for manipulating or expecting a particular outcome. Healthy relationships are based on mutual understanding, consent, and shared emotional connection, not the fulfillment of transactional expectations.
Support Beyond the Stereotype
If you recognize some of these patterns in yourself—or in someone you care about—it doesn’t mean you’re broken or bad. Often, these behaviors are rooted in early experiences of rejection, unmet emotional needs, or confusion around how to build real, reciprocal connection. Therapy can help unpack where these beliefs come from and offer a space to explore vulnerability, boundaries, and emotional resilience without the pressure to perform. If you’re ready to understand yourself more deeply and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships, we’re here to support you. Reach out today to get started!