Embracing Your Villain Era
Sometimes, walking away from toxic relationships - especially those laced with narcissism, abuse, or deep emotional dysfunction- means accepting that you won’t get closure, mutual understanding, or even the truth on your side. In fact, you might be cast as the villain in their story, no matter how quietly or courageously you try to exit. This is what it means to step into your *villain era*- not becoming cruel or vengeful, but finally choosing your peace over their narrative. In this blog, we explore why embracing this misunderstood role is often the only path to healing, and how reclaiming your “villain” status can actually be the boldest act of self-love.
Within the two years, I had to dig deep and truly find an appreciation for the version of me that is a villain in other people’s stories. During that time I lost two relationships- a 6-month romantic relationship and an approximately 6-year friendship. Both were very different in dynamics and meaning to me, but they both had one thing in common- they craved a villain in their story. I put so much of my time, attention, and affection into making sure they could thrive despite this villain that always seemed to change in description. To my fellow people pleasers, this may sound familiar. If only they would just try this solution. If I can help guide them, they will find the right path. I don’t want to be another person that hurts/abandons them.
You’re Not the Villain- You’re Just Not Under Their Control Anymore
Becoming a villain doesn’t mean you have to get an elaborate costume, pick an intro song, and create a maniacal laugh- unless that’s what your heart desires! The beginning of a villain era is the moment you stop bending, appeasing, or shrinking yourself to maintain someone else’s comfort. That is the exact moment you become “difficult.” In toxic dynamics, control is currency. They’ve built an entire ecosystem around who they need you to be (i.e. compliant, easy to forgive, self-doubting). When you no longer allow their version of you to define who you are, you become a threat- reclaiming your voice, your boundaries, and your choices, you’re no longer feeding that system. Suddenly, you’re selfish, ungrateful, and dramatic. But let’s be clear: choosing to reclaim your autonomy is not villainous. It’s survival with the goal of thriving. You’re not the villain- they just lost the script where you played the part they assigned to you.
That’s when the labels start flying- selfish, delusional, confusing, ungrateful, dramatic. They’ll twist your autonomy into an attack, your “no” into a betrayal, your joy into proof that you’ve changed for the worse. This was hard for me to decipher. Blame it on my people pleasing tendencies, or my immense struggle with social cues, but it’s hard to imagine an important person in your life constantly questioning your character.
The Guilt Trap: How Abusers Weaponize Your Empathy
To them, your strength is a threat. Your boundaries? Betrayal. Your silence? Punishment. Toxic people don’t just manipulate situations- they manipulate your ‘heart’. The truth is, you can be the kindest, calmest, most compassionate version of yourself, and they’ll still paint you as the villain- because your healing exposes their harm. They use your compassion against you, twisting your kindness into obligation, and your empathy into guilt. Suddenly, you’re apologizing for things they did, or staying longer because “they had a rough childhood.” But empathy should never cost your peace. Recognizing the guilt trap is the first step to escaping it- and reclaiming your right to peace without explanation. Believe me when I say that I have utilized every tool in my arsenal to nurture the people in the past who were actively harmful. The outcomes all ended the same, but being cast as the enemy doesn’t make you one. In their upside-down world, your freedom looks like destruction. In reality, it’s the beginning of your liberation.
Breaking the Cycle: Why Being the “Villain” Is Sometimes the Bravest Move
Being the villain isn’t about cruelty- it’s about courage. They may call you the villain, but you know the truth: you were your own rescue mission. Every step you took away from the chaos, the gaslighting, the manipulation- that was heroic. It’s refusing to keep performing in a role that harms you. It’s leaving, even when they cry. It’s saying no, even when it shatters their illusion of control. It’s choosing yourself, your sanity, your future. And yes, it’s hard. But breaking the cycle means daring to be disliked by someone who never truly cared for you beyond what you could give them. It’s brave to finally show up for yourself with the same intensity you once gave to people who never deserved it. Can you imagine what it would look like to choose your joy, protect your peace, and live unapologetically?
The Myth of Mutual Closure: Why It Rarely Happens in Toxic Relationships
The most freeing lesson I’ve learned is that healing does not require their permission, participation, or validation. The longing for mutual closure has kept me in situations much longer than I knew I should’ve been. I have held myself to a standard of never burning bridges and leaving a warm, comforting impression in every space I inhabit. Mutual closure would allow me to complete a puzzle and put it up for good. It can be beautiful when it’s possible, but in toxic relationships, it’s often a mirage that keeps you wandering the desert. However, when someone thrives on manipulation, gaslighting, or control, closure becomes a weapon they dangle in front of you. You may never get the apology, the clarity, or the satisfying final scene- and that’s okay. Healing doesn’t require their permission or participation. Sometimes, the healthiest and only possible closure is walking away and choosing yourself.
Loving Yourself Loudly: The Empowerment of the Villain Era
Choosing yourself can be thrilling, but also a state of grief for the storm you survived.Not just for the person you left behind, but for the version of you that tolerated so much. For the version of you that worked so hard to make the connection work. For the constant mixed emotions, conflicting memories. As you untangle from the trauma, you’ll rediscover pieces of yourself that were buried under fear, shame, or obligation. There may be a part of you that wants to make amends, or feel like you can ‘get them back’. What comes next isn’t just survival- it’s a vibrant, expansive life that no longer revolves around their chaos.
You may first notice the small rebellions that feel like big leaps- testing the waters by speaking up when you’d usually stay quiet, taking up space without apologizing, saying no without explaining why. Be cautious of the urge to “show them” what they’ve lost or somehow winning their acknowledgement. Remember their presence, mindset, and behaviors preferred creating storms for you rather than allowing you to grow. Which is why one of the greatest challenges may be trusting yourself again. It was an amazing feeling when I realized my instincts weren’t broken and that they were leading me in the right direction all along.
This era is bold, loud, unbothered, and maybe even a little messy- and that’s beautiful! So let them spin their stories. Let them find comfort in their version of events. Meanwhile, you get to write your own narrative, one where you're no longer surviving but thriving. You’re not their villain. You’re your own damn hero!