Explaining myths surrounding sex and intimacy is one of my favorite things to do as a sex and relationship therapist. Growing up hearing so many inaccurate messages and teachings about sex, I can tell you firsthand how harmful they can be to your self-esteem, confidence, and ability to experience a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. Here’s the thing, no one can really tell you what a “successful” sex life is because we all have different ideas of what satisfaction and pleasure looks and feels like. I could go on and on about being the boss of your own pleasure, but I’ll save it for a future post! Let’s just get started with the first three myths about sex and why they can be so harmful.

“All people with vaginas should be able to orgasm through penetrative sex”

I’ll be honest, I believed this one until I was well into my college career. I had so much internalized embarrassment about “lacking the ability” to experience an orgasm through penetration. I, like many others out there, believed that I would never be able to “do sex right” because of it. Little did I know that I was actually experiencing what the majority of people with vaginas do. My experience was more common than the alternative I was comparing it to. More importantly, not orgasming from penetration alone is TOTALLY NORMAL. Read that again. It’s normal, natural, and absolutely not a sign of defectiveness. (Keep in mind that this is not referring to individuals who can not achieve orgasm at all or experience pain during sexual activity. I’ll talk about that in a later post!) 

The research backs me up too! A study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy reported that only 18% of women indicated that penetration on it’s own was sufficient to achieve an orgasm. In her book, Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz describes how only 4% of a sample of college undergraduates reported that penetration on its own was a sufficient or reliable way to achieve an orgasm. While there is no universally agreed upon number or statistic to put here, the vast amount of research on the topic proves the point. Alot of women need clitorial or other external stimulation to experience an orgasm and that’s okay! In fact, it can add more ways to explore sexuality and intimacy with your partner(s) to grow a satisfying and pleasurable experience.

“Sex burns a lot of calories and is a good alternative to exercise”

Ughhhhh, this one. Trying to include all the societal messaging targeting women, their bodies, and exercise would make this post entirely too long. Still, it is important to consider how absurd and sexist this myth really is. COME ON. How many times have you heard this directed at men? I’m betting it’s not often. This myth is so harmful for so many reasons, and its fueling the resentment and obligation so many women already have toward sex. I hate going to the gym, hate it, so why in the world would I want to make sex about cardio and calorie burning. Ok, so I can vent about this for a while, but I’d also like to share the proof that it’s absolutely not true. 

A study reported that women, on average, only burn about 3.6 calories per minute during sex. Bringing in the fact that the average length of time spent in sexual activity (including foreplay) is around 20 to 25 minutes, this is less than 100 calories. Also, the time spent in penetrative intercourse is only about 6 to 7 minutes. Men, on average, burn just over 100 (because, of course they do) but not by much, and it is likely because they weigh more on average. So, while sex does burn some calories, why do we even want to make it about exercise and calorie burning in the first place? It doesn't replace a workout. So many women already struggle with body image issues, disordered eating, and overall shame directed at themselves sexually. This is just another myth telling women that their body doesn’t deserve pleasure and they must constantly be working toward some idealized and unrealistic standard of beauty.

“Spontaneous sex is best”

Oh really? I’m pretty confident that I can throw most of the blame on Hollywood for this one. Movies, TV shows, commercials, they all like to build the idea that sex should be spontaneous. For example, the Netflix hit Bridgerton continuously provides examples of spontaneous sex that ends in simultaneous orgasms for both partners after a few minutes of primarily penetration only with little to no foreplay. It looks great, sure, but it’s just not realistic. That’s not how many (or most) of us out there actually enjoy sex. 

In fact, in her bestselling book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains three types of desire and provides tools to help you understand which one aligns with your unique experience. Seventy-five percent of women fall into a category called responsive desire, meaning that it takes some time (somewhere around twenty minutes, give or take) to produce desire and arousal together in a sexual encounter. It means that foreplay is important and necessary for many, many women. The majority of men, on the other hand, fall into the category of spontaneous desire. This means that some men don’t need time to connect the brain and body and are ready to go when the idea or opportunity presents itself. Both are completely normal and natural. However, I want to caution you about believing another myth that just because men experience spontaneous desire more often, they always want to have sex, or just because they have an erection, they want to have sex. It’s not always true. Our bodies can produce arousal without desire, and men are no exception to this. 

Arousal and desire are typically used interchangeably but are two very different things. Arousal is your body’s physiological responses such as an erection or lubrication, among others. Desire is when your brain is on board saying, “I want this,” “I’m excited for this,” or “I feel really turned on right now.” You get the idea. It can be really harmful to our self-esteem, image, and mood when we think we are doing sex “wrong.” Honestly, I recommend scheduling sex to many of my clients every week. Scheduled sex is not boring sex! It’s prioritized sex. It’s making time and space for an opportunity to connect with your partner that can easily be put on the back burner because of our very busy and overwhelming schedules. Ask yourself why you might think spontaneous sex is better because, here’s the thing, spontaneous sex might not often be realistic as the norm in your life. Children, shift work, opposite schedules, stress, I could keep going for a while. We live busy lives with many potential barriers to desire.