I’ve spent countless hours sitting in a therapy office, personally and as a professional, attempting to navigate relationships after children have entered the mix. I’m the first to tell people that relationships are complex before having children. After children, everything we think we know somehow gets tossed out the window, and here we are treading water, falling asleep cramped into the space of a toddler’s twin-size bed, and absolutely dreading the thought of physical touch. Of course, that could be just me. However, I’m also confident that there are at least a few others out there who know what I’m talking about and can relate to the feeling. While I know I don’t have a perfect one-size-fits-all all answer, I’m hopeful that some of the suggestions below will help in healing, nurturing, and growing your relationships as an individual as well as a parent.

Nurture your marriage like it’s a living, breathing being.

After the birth of a child, our brains shift into even more of a caregiver role than we’ve experienced before. We shift from caring for our partner(s), siblings, parents, coworkers, family members, and, if we’re lucky, ourselves to becoming a parent and nurturing a defenseless, vulnerable, and precious human. It’s beautiful and terrifying. It’s incredibly common that we may become stuck in our role and have difficulty transitioning between who we are as a parent to who we were and want to be as an intimate partner and individuals. We tend to channel our nurturing talents into our new family addition, as we should, but we can easily forget to reserve some of that nurturing power for our relationship.

This is why we must view our relationship or marriage as a living, breathing entity that requires nurturing, much like that beautiful child. Of course, that nurturing looks different and requires different energy and effort, but it is critical nonetheless. Much like a child needs to eat, sleep, have regular diaper changes, and receive love and cuddles, our relationships have basic needs to grow and thrive. They need fuel to grow and thrive, and that sustenance may change after new responsibilities come into the mix and less time and energy are free to share. Relationships need rest as well. Patience and compassion, empathy and forgiveness, curiosity, and a willingness to learn and adapt. It’s okay to give yourself and one another permission to rest.  We also cannot forget to show our love, appreciation, and respect for our partner(s) in ways it can be received. Don’t underestimate the power of levity in our day-to-day interactions. The connection doesn’t have to be an expensive date night out but rather moments of delirious, sleep-deprived laughter while washing what seems to be the 100th bottle or folding those infuriatingly tiny and impractical but irresistibly adorable infant clothes.

Build up to physical intimacy.

Six to eight weeks. That’s what most physicians and other professionals will tell you is an acceptable amount of time after giving birth to begin engaging in intercourse again. Physically, maybe. Emotionally, maybe not. Being physically able to safely participate in sexual intercourse following the birth of a child is an absolute non-negotiable, but what about emotional safety? Many of us might find ourselves counting down the clock until our six-week abstinence is over and our bodies have the all-clear, but physical healing should not be the only required checkbox. Pregnancy, birth, and the subsequent responsibilities of learning to care for a new human being can take a massive and unforgiving toll on a person’s emotional and psychological health. Just because it isn’t something quantifiable and clearly observable on an exam table doesn’t mean it isn’t just as crucial.

At least one partner is learning to adjust to a very different body that deserves time, space, and compassion to understand and explore. It’s absolutely okay and even encouraged to start slow and create a new relationship with physical touch that involves open and vulnerable communication. Begin with noticing more minor touches such as holding hands, cuddles on the couch, and six-second hugs before jumping right back into intercourse. Spend adequate time with foreplay to promote comfortability with a part of your body that has likely changed in subtle or very obvious ways.

Reevaluate your expectations and have patience.

This is a perfect topic to continue our discussion in the previous section. So many changes occur after having children, and those changes will require a thorough reevaluation of our expectations. Priorities might change, and new or different needs now take precedence. What better place to start than examining what those needs are individually and then moving toward healthy communication of those needs to our partner(s)? Our partner(s) cannot know what we need if we do not know it ourselves. Even then, they cannot know if we do not tell them.

Most of us have heard of the famous love languages, but did you know that your love language can change?Especially after beginning a family and introducing children into the system. How you felt loved and appreciated may change as your lifestyle and family system evolves. This is totally okay and, honestly, something that we should be talking about more. We are not the same person we were 5, 10, 15 years ago (which I, personally, am forever grateful for!), which means we deserve to reevaluate what brings us happiness, love, and nurturing throughout all of our stages, especially if we begin to notice that what used to meet these needs isn’t having the same impact.

Prioritize alone time AND schedule time to connect.

This is a perfect time to introduce one of my favorite phrases! It’s an “and/both,” not an “either/or” situation! Most of my clients reading this are probably rolling their eyes and sighing because I know they’ve heard me say this, likely more than once or twice. We live in a world that likes to establish boxes and see things in black and white. From politics, spirituality, parents, relationships, careers, the list continues…everyone has an opinion on the “right” way of doing things. The real answer…you are the authority on what is right for you and your life, not Pinterest, social media, or the plentiful variety of self-help books. You.

I say this because all too often, I’ll hear people talk about how scheduling sex or intimacy is “boring” and spontaneous sex is better. (If you want to take a look at why that is one of the most common myths about sex, check out my other blog here.) My counterargument to this is that scheduled sex is prioritized sex. That changes how we look at it when Hollywood constantly throws unrealistic and, frankly, pretty harmful messages about how we should be experiencing intimacy, something as unique to an individual as their fingerprint. After having children, scheduling sex or setting aside time for physical intimacy can help to prevent a subconscious buildup of feeling undesirable, resentment, fear, etc. Even better, scheduling sex can enhance anticipation, aiding in some mental foreplay if you will, and creating an increase in desire that spontaneous sex will likely lack when you’re touched out, exhausted, and surviving on questionable leftovers from who knows how many days ago. (Flashbacks happening over here…). To add to the possible benefits, scheduling sex can decrease the pressure around initiating sex and help to organize what you can in the day to prepare for an experience that you will enjoy.

Remember, and this is so, so important, scheduled sex does not mean obligated sex. You can always and should always say no to sex if you do not want to have sex! Scheduling simply means it’s on your radar, but you absolutely always have the choice to do something else. It is not a failure nor a sign of defectiveness. It just means that you don’t want to have sex at that time because every day is different, bodies are changing, and life is unpredictable. Talk about it together and pick a different time to try again!

Establish systems of perceived fairness between you and your partner

Perceived fairness is an idea created by individual beliefs, values, and expectations about what constitutes a fair and balanced relationship. When individuals perceive a relationship as fair, they are more likely to feel satisfied, committed, and invested in the relationship. On the other hand, perceived unfairness can lead to feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and conflict. If you and your partner(s) wish to establish some conversation around perceived fairness in the relationship, make time and space for open communication, finding common ground on primary areas of strain, and create a system for compromise that requires partners to willingly listen to one another's needs and concerns. Also, be ready and willing to make adjustments when necessary.

As I mentioned, we must regularly reassess and discuss our needs and distribution of responsibilities to help ensure that partners feel valued and respected, especially as everyone has different perceptions of what is fair (which can and likely will change over time). Therefore, it is crucial for partners to engage in an ongoing conversation and mutual understanding to maintain a sense of fairness in the relationship. Check out Eve Rodsky’s Fairplay with the included card deck for an in-depth look into why this is so important and an awesome opportunity to create structure and planning. She has such great insights, analysis, and ideas that I don’t have time to mention here!