Here we go again, friends! Busting these myths is something I take great satisfaction in, and having the opportunity to share them is even better. In my previous blog about common myths about sex, we discussed the female orgasm, sex for exercise, and spontaneous versus planned sex. Now it’s time for even more fun talking about self-pleasure, “successful” sex, and arousal. Let’s get started!

“Masturbation is a sign of sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship.”

Growing up in a small, conservative rural town where there were more churches than stoplights, I heard this one a lot. I also believed it until many years into my own marriage. I also heard a plethora of other “things” regarding masturbation. Masturbation is a sin, a sign of weak faith, something kids shouldn’t do, the gateway to premarital sex, damaging to the soul…I could spend all day here. Sure, some or most of these I’ve mentioned are related to faith or spirituality because that was my experience, but there’s so much more that happens just as frequently. This myth teaches us that self-pleasure or masturbation is something to avoid, be ashamed of, and ultimately bad for us. That can’t be more untrue. In fact, most current literature and research say the exact opposite. Masturbation can be really, really good for us, especially if we are in a relationship! Let’s talk about why. 

One of the best ways to improve your sexual experiences with your partner is to help teach your partner about your body and what you like. What better way to know what you like during sex than to explore your body on your own and spend time learning with it? This is especially true when sexual dysfunction is present, such as genito-pelvic pain, erectile dysfunction, anorgasmia, and so on. Self-exploration and self-pleasuring can also be an empowering way to build safety in one’s body after experiencing traumatic or distressing events. For example, individuals who have survived sexual abuse or assault can use personalized methods, to the extent of which they are comfortable, to gradually progress through their healing journey. There’s a lot to be said for exploring sensation and pleasure individually before or while sharing it with a partner. 

Not only can masturbation actually improve your sex life, but it comes with some pretty cool health benefits. Orgasms have been shown to improve headaches, menstrual cramps, stress levels, sleep quality, and overall heart health. Because of the hormones released during orgasm, such as estrogen, oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, and prolactin, you may also experience a boost in self-esteem, confidence, and feelings of happiness. So, I’d say that self-pleasure could be pretty cool to experiment with and potentially have a positive impact on your relationship as well. You deserve to explore your body on your own and give it the pleasure it deserves in a way that aligns with your values and experience. This is one of the more common topics I discuss with clients during the early stages of therapy. I absolutely love seeing individuals release the burden of guilt, shame, and embarrassment that was holding them back from finding and growing their intimate life. 

“Sex is only successful if there is an orgasm.”

Of course, orgasms are great, and most of us want to experience one (or more) during sexual interactions with our partner(s). That’s absolutely okay! Although, is that the “only” way to have good or “successful” sex? Absolutely not! The beauty of sexuality and sensuality is that you can create a personal experience that meets your unique needs. Orgasm may or may not be a part of that journey. Some conditions, such as anorgasmia, are defined by the absence of or difficulty achieving an orgasm. That doesn’t mean sex can’t feel and be good. Pleasure comes from the journey and experience (hello, mindfulness!), not just the finale. Feeling our body and sharing it (or not) with another person is how we experience pleasure, intimacy, and connection. 

It’s important to notice how we define sex. For some, penetration isn’t possible, and as I mentioned in my previous blog post about myths, most women won’t orgasm from penetration alone. Not to mention, many relationships do not include penetrative activities at all. Sex, regardless of how you define it, should feel good, be entirely consensual, and consist of safe practices. Orgasm can certainly be included, but it isn’t a requirement. Sometimes, an orgasm just isn’t going to happen, either because hormones are fluctuating, new medications, a distracting environment, or, I don’t know…the moon is full on a Tuesday, and the temperature isn’t just right. Obviously, the full moon and temperature are a joke (maybe), but you get the point. You might not know why an orgasm didn’t happen, but that doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong or the experience was “bad.” Even without an orgasm, sex can still feel really good and provide an excellent opportunity for emotional and physical connection with your partner(s). So, ask yourself, how do you define sex and why?

“Lubrication, or lack thereof, is a definite indicator of desire.”

No, it’s not. I wish I could just leave it there and it would make sense, but I’m also just as excited to explain. I’m going to start with some clinical terminology, which is arousal non-concordance. This phenomenon is characterized by our body’s common action of producing lubrication or an erection, the physiological arousal, when there is little or no desire present. OR, desire may be very heavily present, and you want to have sex or be intimate, but lubrication doesn’t show up, or an erection just isn’t happening. Listen, I’m not saying it's fair or that it’s not frustrating, but I am, without a doubt, saying it’s not uncommon, and most of us will experience it from time to time. 

Cool, cool, but why is it important? Well, it’s important because our senses are constantly taking in information telling us that it’s not normal, okay, natural, or part of a very healthy sexual relationship. Movies, TV shows, culture, social groups, etc, all may play a role in why we feel like our body is betraying us or that there is something wrong with us. Especially when it’s paired with feelings of frustration, embarrassment, shame, or lack of supportive understanding from our partner. Listen, it’s okay, and actually, really, really encouraged to talk about it. I’m always recommending lube to my clients, whether or not this is a primary concern. it’s easy to get, relatively inexpensive, and can make all the difference in a sexual experience. My top recommendations are Uberlube (silicone-based) and GoodCleanLove (water-based and hypoallergenic). *Very Important!* Do not use silicone-based lube with silicone toys or devices. It can cause a breakdown of the silicone, resulting in damaged toys and decreased safety. 

On the other side of things, arousal non-concordance is very important to discuss when sexual trauma or abuse has occurred, leading to possible confusion about our body’s reactions. The link above explains how our body’s natural reaction to tickling is to laugh, even though we might not find it very funny at all. (I swear it’s a form of torture, and I’ll stand by that.) The same type of response can happen when our body and mind enter “trauma brain,” or fight or flight. The brain’s trauma response can actually manifest in four distinct ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. The best way I know to explain it is that when our body goes into one of these responses, it enters an autopilot mode designed to minimize harm and stay alive. Lubrication or an erection can be part of this, and since sexual arousal is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, it is well within the realm of involuntary. There’s so much more to this, but I  have plans to dedicate an entire blog post (or more) to sexual trauma, so I’ll save the rest for later. 

One last thought! A consistent lack of lubrication or the inability to achieve or maintain an erection can most certainly be a sign of something more, and I would love to talk with you about it and see what we find and figure out together!